Tomorrow I turn 35, and I just don’t want to deal with it. I usually like my birthdays, but I am greeting this one without a lot of enthusiasm and quite a lot of dread. I don’t know how growing older doesn’t bother so many people. It bothers me. I can’t embrace aging. I’m not happy about it.
I don’t like feeling that my best years are behind me, and there’s nothing to look forward to. I have been through so much in the past year, and I hate thinking that might be all there is. I hate thinking that I won’t look as good, and that my body will start to hurt in all sorts of ways I haven’t imagined.
It makes me angry that I have swallowed this whole “women aren’t valuable after 35.” That I’ve internalized it to such a degree that I have been depressed about it for the last few days. It infuriates me that men are just considered to be reaching their prime at this age while women are seemingly thrown out with the trash.
It’s maddening, in so many ways, that it should be this way. Because I really have come so far, and accomplished and learned so much. I should be celebrating. I should be happy. I should be saying, “fuck it, I don’t even care any more. I’m the best!” But all I can do is look back on my twenties with jealous envy.
I don’t even know what 35 is supposed to be like anymore. Half the people I know have families and kids, the other half live alone in an apartment. Some people are world leaders, some of them just play video games all day. Everyone older than me can’t be bothered with technology and everyone younger can’t live without it. This is 2017 and the world is super confusing. I don’t even know what’s supposed to be what. All the old rules are gone.
I’ve never been happy about growing older. Ever. The night before I turned 10 years old, I went into the bathroom and cried all evening. When I was 16, I used to complain to everyone about how old I felt. On my 21st birthday, I started having panic attacks and had to spend the day in bed.
I’ll probably be fine tomorrow. I’ll have a good time. But tonight I just want to curl up and feel sorry for myself.