Does anyone else find that mornings are the worst for anxiety and depression? You wake up remembering what you have, and what you felt the day before, and you start to feel hopeless. Just soul-sucking, can’t-breathe hopelessness.
This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up around 6, as usual, tired from not getting enough sleep. I lay down on the couch downstairs and felt despair. My thoughts turned dark. I tried to get them out of my mind, but I couldn’t. I can’t go on, I kept telling myself. I can’t make it through the day. I don’t have the will. I don’t have the strength.
I had visions of myself that weren’t pretty. I pictured myself dying because I couldn’t get up. I pictured myself lying in a hospital bed and being force-fed because I couldn’t eat.
But of course I managed. My husband realized that my dark thoughts probably owed a lot to my low blood sugar levels, so he got me a few crackers with peanut butter and a smoothie. I don’t know what I’d have done without him, because I felt like I lacked the strength to move. And I did feel better after eating, even though I had to force each bite.
For me, the hardest thing of each day (besides getting up) is not going back to bed, because every bone in my body desperately wants to. I know it is not healthy, either psychologically or physically, but I ache to just sleep all the time and forget the way I’m feeling. When I was going through my anxiety phase, I felt like I had more energy than I could burn. Now I feel a deep-rooted exhaustion.
How do you motivate yourself in the morning, knowing each day is going to be a huge struggle, mentally and physically? What do you say to yourself when you wake up to start your day off on a better footing? What tasks or rituals do you do to ease into that transition between sleep and wake? My therapist has recommended that I get out of bed right away, but it’s so difficult. I will try it tomorrow and see how it goes. I also made my bed today so I wouldn’t be tempted to crawl back in.
Depression and anxiety are not for the faint of heart.