I haven’t been blogging as much lately. I have been so, so, busy. It has felt wonderful. It is exactly what I need. When I’m not working, I’m exercising, doing art, baking and talking to friends. I have been researching more about depression and anxiety, and what it means to be highly sensitive. Every day I stand on the edge of the shore and watch the anxiety slowly receding away onto the horizon, taking the depression with it.
This is not to say I don’t still have rough days. Last week I had a headache that lasted four days, and it was really unpleasant. But I know now that was what was making me unhappy, not that I am a terrible person. It just means I have a headache and it’s affecting my overall mood.
I have learned so much about myself. I know now what are normal, healthy thoughts and obsessive or dark thoughts caused by anxiety. I know now that exercise will help dispel the tight feeling in my chest. When things start to feel overwhelming, I give myself permission to withdraw and do something relaxing, like colouring or Buzzfeed quizzes.
The #1 thing I have learned is that NOTHING is more important than my mental health. Nothing. I can and must protect it at all costs. I cannot exist and function without it. I will do whatever it takes: whatever medication, whatever amount of exercise, however many times I have to say “no” to something I don’t want to do.
My new mantra is: never again. When I look at where I was four months ago, back in October, I marvel at the changes that have taken place since then. Back then I couldn’t wake up without throwing up. I couldn’t be alone for an hour. I couldn’t relax at all. Even though day-to-day it is hard to see the changes, looking back it is amazing what I have accomplished. I will never be that person again. I refuse to allow it to happen.