Where I am now


I haven’t been blogging as much lately.  I have been so, so, busy.  It has felt wonderful.  It is exactly what I need.  When I’m not working, I’m exercising, doing art, baking and talking to friends. I have been researching more about depression and anxiety, and what it means to be highly sensitive.  Every day I stand on the edge of the shore and watch the anxiety slowly receding away onto the horizon, taking the depression with it.

This is not to say I don’t still have rough days.  Last week I had a headache that lasted four days, and it was really unpleasant.  But I know now that was what was making me unhappy, not that I am a terrible person.  It just means I have a headache and it’s affecting my overall mood.

I have learned so much about myself.  I know now what are normal, healthy thoughts and obsessive or dark thoughts caused by anxiety.  I know now that exercise will help dispel the tight feeling in my chest.  When things start to feel overwhelming, I give myself permission to withdraw and do something relaxing, like colouring or Buzzfeed quizzes.

The #1 thing I have learned is that NOTHING is more important than my mental health.  Nothing.  I can and must protect it at all costs.  I cannot exist and function without it.  I will do whatever it takes: whatever medication, whatever amount of exercise, however many times I have to say “no” to something I don’t want to do.

My new mantra is: never again.  When I look at where I was four months ago, back in October, I marvel at the changes that have taken place since then.  Back then I couldn’t wake up without throwing up.  I couldn’t be alone for an hour.  I couldn’t relax at all.  Even though day-to-day it is hard to see the changes, looking back it is amazing what I have accomplished.  I will never be that person again.  I refuse to allow it to happen.


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