Painting by my mother
I don’t know that I really have a topic today, other than I just haven’t been feeling well. I have been moved for six weeks and I still ache thinking about what I left behind. I still don’t feel settled in. I have been working for a month and I am tired all the time. We are still living at my mom’s but we have bought a house. I am exhausted from all the work that entailed.
I keep having this nagging, pervasive feeling that I made a huge life mistake. We moved back to my hometown, which is in a really economically depressed part of the country. Part of the reason we moved was so that we could do more and give back to the community that raised us. But I worry that the poverty and lack of education will take too much of a toll on me. Almost everyone who graduated with me is gone, moved to greener pastures like I was for the last ten years. Everyone who is educated eventually leaves.
It is just a really depressing situation. In the place I just moved from, I was always jealous of the people my age who had all their family and friends with them and almost no one left. I did not have the privilege of being raised in such a town. In the town I grew up in, the reality was that everyone leaves when they graduate. Canada is peopled by the scattered population of the Maritimes.
I know there are lots of good things about living here, but right now I am in a funk. I have already started to help people in my new job, but I worry I have given up my dreams of adventure and success. I just wish I could feel settled and content.
I am turning 35 next month. I don’t want to be old. I don’t want to have made the wrong decision and doomed myself for life.