Depression

Regretful

Stoneycroft

Painting by my mother

I don’t know that I really have a topic today, other than I just haven’t been feeling well.  I have been moved for six weeks and I still ache thinking about what I left behind.  I still don’t feel settled in.  I have been working for a month and I am tired all the time.  We are still living at my mom’s but we have bought a house.  I am exhausted from all the work that entailed.

I keep having this nagging, pervasive feeling that I made a huge life mistake.  We moved back to my hometown, which is in a really economically depressed part of the country.  Part of the reason we moved was so that we could do more and give back to the community that raised us.  But I worry that the poverty and lack of education will take too much of a toll on me.  Almost everyone who graduated with me is gone, moved to greener pastures like I was for the last ten years.  Everyone who is educated eventually leaves.

It is just a really depressing situation.  In the place I just moved from, I was always jealous of the people my age who had all their family and friends with them and almost no one left.  I did not have the privilege of being raised in such a town.  In the town I grew up in, the reality was that everyone leaves when they graduate.  Canada is peopled by the scattered population of the Maritimes.

I know there are lots of good things about living here, but right now I am in a funk.  I have already started to help people in my new job, but I worry I have given up my dreams of adventure and success.  I just wish I could feel settled and content.

I am turning 35 next month.  I don’t want to be old.  I don’t want to have made the wrong decision and doomed myself for life.

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