Anxiety

Frustration and fear

Well, it’s been a terrible week.  After my crying jag on Monday, I went into work and tried to tough it out.  It was so difficult to concentrate, with my constant dizzy spells and choking feelings and heavy head.  I tried everything I could to try and relax and just concentrate on my work, but it was so tough.

I ended up in my manager’s office on Friday afternoon and started crying.  I have never done anything like that before, and in some ways it was scary and in other ways it was a relief.  I told her that I was scared, and what my symptoms were, and that I would maybe have to take some stress leave to try and cope with it.

For me, the scariest part of this week is that I have given in to despair.  Not that I’m physically ill – I don’t really think I am – but that I’m going to feel this way forever.  That I’m going to constantly be plagued by these choking feelings and internal tremors and fear and restlessness.  That’s I’m slowly going crazy.  Last night I had one of the worst dreams that I ever had – that I was lying in bed, just like I was, but that I was losing my mind and hallucinating things that weren’t there.  Because I dreamed it just a few moments after falling asleep, waking up, I honestly couldn’t tell if it was real or not for a few minutes.  I turned the light on and started dry heaving until I could sufficiently convince myself that I was sane and that everything was normal.

I don’t know what to do at this point.  If anyone has any tips or words of encouragement, I would really like to hear about it.  I just need to know that it is possible to get better, and that my fear of it lasting forever is a fantasy cooked up by my overactive imagination.  Because right now it feels too real.

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